How romance scams unfold, stage by stage

Stage one: rapport, fast

The first stage is warmth, and lots of it. Long messages, constant attention, early talk of feelings or a shared future. It is flattering, and it is meant to be.

Warmth on its own is not a red flag - plenty of genuine people are enthusiastic. What gives this stage away is the speed. Intimacy that would normally take months arrives in days, before you have met, often before you have even spoken out loud.

Stage two: isolation

Next comes the move to a private channel - a messaging app, a personal email, anywhere the dating platform cannot see. It is usually framed as convenience: they are about to delete their profile, the app is glitchy, they want something more personal.

Alongside the move, video calls and meetings keep not quite happening. A broken camera, a job on an oil rig or a ship, a deployment, a sick relative overseas. Each reason is plausible on its own. The pattern is the point: you are kept close in text and far away in person.

Stage three: the crisis

Once the relationship feels real, something goes wrong for them. A frozen bank account, a customs fee, a medical bill, a business deal that needs bridging for a week. The crisis is always urgent, always temporary, and always just out of their own reach.

Sometimes the crisis is replaced by an opportunity instead - an investment, often crypto, that a relative or mentor has been making money on. The mechanism is the same: urgency, and you as the person who can act.

Stage four: the ask

Then the request, and it is usually small at first. A small first transfer is easy to agree to and creates a reason for the next one. Gift cards, crypto and wire transfers are favoured because they are hard to reverse.

If you say no, expect pressure: disappointment, guilt, a sudden coldness, or a story about what will happen to them if you do not help.

What to do if you recognise it

You do not have to be certain to act. Any one of these is enough to stop and step back:

• ◆Ask for a short video call now, not later. A real person can manage five minutes this week.
• ◆Do not send money, gift cards or crypto to anyone you have not met in person. Not a small amount, not as a loan, not once.
• ◆Run their photos through a reverse image search. Scam profiles often use pictures taken from someone else's social media.
• ◆Tell a friend what is happening and show them the messages. Scams depend on secrecy, and an outside view breaks the spell quickly.
• ◆Report the account on the platform where you met, even if you have moved off it - it protects the next person.
• ◆If you have already sent money, contact your bank straight away. The sooner they know, the more they can sometimes do.